Disclaimer: We don’t own Twilight or its characters. Unfortunately, Stephenie Meyer beat us to it … sigh... We do feel like messing with Possessiveward’s head a little though. :)
Anytime - Brian McKnight
At This Moment - Billy Vera and the Beaters
“I need to see Bella, dad. Mom seems to think she’s gone. I think that’s
bullshit. I want to see her and I want to see her now.” The beeping continued to
increase as I began to struggle to get up. If they weren't going to get her for
me, I’d fucking find Bella myself.
My dad shoved me back into the bed.
“Stop it now, Edward!” dad yelled at the top of his lungs.
“Bella!” I screamed. “Bella, where are you?!!” Mom leaned over me with
tears in her eyes. “Mom, I need her. She belongs to me. I need Bella. I have to
“Edward, you can’t see her. She’s not here.” The tears streamed down my mom’s
face. It was almost like she could feel the pain that I was feeling.
“Call Charlie, please mom. I need my fucking girl! Have him bring her.” I was
almost frantic at this point. She put her hand to my cheek.
“Edward, Charlie sent her back to Arizona. Back to her mom.”
The world around me seemed to stop as soon as I heard those words. The beeping around me intensified.
“No, mom. That can’t be right. She knows her place is with me, always with me.” I was gasping to get the words out of my mouth. Every fucking breath was a struggle. “Bella!” I tried to scream her name but I wasn’t sure what was happening to me. I felt a tightness pulling at my chest. It felt like there were God damned boulders on top of me.
“Carlisle, you have to do something! What’s wrong? Edward! Edward, please, please you have to calm down for me.” I heard my mom but it seemed like she was very far away from me.
“He’s having a panic attack, Esme. I’ll get a sedative and it will calm him down.”
I was not a fucking pansy assed dick having a panic attack. This was something else. Even when the bullet hit my leg this morning it didn’t hurt like this. I didn’t know that this level of pain even existed.
I thought I heard the door and my dad’s voice, but they were so distant. My eyes couldn’t focus. All I could see was a gray hue before my eyes, but my body, this pain brought out sensations that were beyond words. I could feel every drop of blood as it moved throughout my body. The rocks kept pounding and pounding at my chest as my breaths grew more and more shallow.
“What the fuck is happening to me? Am I dying? This is what it feels like to die,” I thought to myself. The pressure on my chest was fucking brutal and I knew what it was. “The reason for my existence had just vanished from my life,” I thought as I felt a needle in my arm. Blackness soon enveloped me with its presence.
When I woke up again, I was blissfully alone. I didn’t know how much time had actually passed, if it were merely minutes, hours or even days. No matter how long I had been here I needed to talk to my fucking girl. I knew that my parents had to be full of shit. No damn way she would ever leave me. No. Fucking. Way.
I maneuvered my arm through the IV’s that were in the way, and fumbled for the phone. My body twisted in the wrong direction causing a horrendous pain to shoot through my injured leg. “Mother fucker! God damn it!” I almost shouted through gritted teeth. I noticed the morphine pump next to me and decided what the hell. I mean, it is the good shit, so it will make my damn body find numbness again. I sighed as I felt the warmth of the painkiller began to find purchase throughout all the cells in my body.
I didn’t have a clue what time it was, and I honestly didn’t give a shit. The morphine was already starting to work its wonderful magic on me. I dialed Bella’s cell phone number. After 5 rings, “Hi. This is Edward’s Bella. You know what to do after the beep.” The beep sounded almost ominous to my ear. “Bells, this is your Edward. Where the fuck are you? I need you with me, baby. Hurry to me please. I can’t do this without you.” I could hear my voice slurring. Before I could say anything else, BEEP. Before I could call her back again, I dropped the phone on the floor. Fuck. My. Life.
As the morphine took me deep into the darkness, I felt one tear slip from my eye and I uttered the only thing that had ever and would ever matter to me. “Bella.”
I threw my arm over my eyes, trying to block out the sun filtering in through the windows, but it didn’t work.
“Can we not shut the fucking blinds! Shit! There is an invalid in here trying to recuperate!”
I heard a chuckle. Em.
“Invalid, huh. Feel that bad, E?”
“Nah, not really, Em.” I tried, tried being the operative word, to run my hand through my hair but the damn IV’s where in my way yet again. “Fucking. Shit.” I mumbled in exasperation. “I can’t do a damn thing for myself at all.”
Emmett laughed again at the frustration I was facing at my current situation. “Invalid here, remember?” I pointed to myself. He chuckled again, but suddenly stopped and began straightening himself up, as the door opened and a nurse walked in. Nurse Hale. Oh, the fun times my palm (Emmett’s palm, and fuck, probably even my dad’s) and I shared with fantasies about her when I was younger.
Emmett and I got our first look at her when we were freshmen and she was a senior. Not only was she sex on legs, one of the most sexy, voluptuous, bodies I’ve ever had the pleasure to see in real life. She was a star in many of my adolescent dreams, but she was a fucking genius. Rosalie Hale graduated as valedictorian of Forks High School and was able to finish college in under three years to become a nurse.
She had all the right curves, in all the right places, nice large firm breasts that honestly I would have loved to fuck as much as her pussy. Rosalie’s ass, that was a work of art and it seemed to scream, “Look at me. Look at me.” Now, don’t get me wrong, no one truly holds a candle to my Bella, but that body is built for sin, that long blond hair and deep sea blue eyes, and her fuck hot brain, she was every school boy’s fantasy come to life.
“So, how are you feeling today Edward?” she asked me as she began to check my vitals. I had to pull myself away from re-living some of my most memorable wet dreams.
“Well, not so bad now with the view.” Emmett and Rosalie seemed to shoot me the stink eye at the exact same time. That was weird. I cleared my throat. “I’d feel a whole hell of a lot fucking better once my girl, Bella, gets here. She’ll do a superb job of nursing me back to health.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Emmett shifting uncomfortably in his seat.
“Your vitals look good.” She examined the bandage on my leg. “How would you rank your pain on a scale of one to ten?”
“Um, a four while I’m sitting still. If I move any at all, it’s fucking infinity, ten doesn’t even come close.” Really, the pain wasn’t too bad at all. I’m the man. I can handle it, but damn, I love the way my body feels when I take the morphine.
“Since you are still experiencing so much pain, Dr. Cullen, I mean your dad, will probably keep you on the morphine machine at least through today to help you manage the pain. Just push the button when you think you can’t handle the pain. As you know, the machine limits the amount you have at one time.” She finished by shooting saline in my IV to clean out the line.
“Your dad will be in here later to check on you. He’s on his rounds right now.” As she headed out the door, I was almost certain I saw her wink, yes fucking wink that beautiful baby blue eye at Emmett.
“Dude, aren’t you a lucky son of a bitch. What the hell is Rosalie Hale doing winking at your sorry ass?” I smirked at him.
“E, how much of the morphine have you been taking?” He laughed at me. “There’s no reason at all that she even knows I exist, man.” Em, being my twin and all; well, he can’t hide shit from me without me knowing, and he is hiding something from me. I know he’ll tell me when he’s ready.
“Em, as much as I just love looking at your mug, where’s Bella? Did she go home to change or eat breakfast or something while I slept?” Emmett looked at me with pain in his eyes.
“Dude, don’t you remember? Mom and dad said they told you.”
“Told me what, Em? That she went back to Arizona. I remember them telling me that, but I have no doubt they were just blowing smoke trying to placate me until she could get here. I’m sure Charlie was up her ass about what had happened to me. She had to have been here while I was knocked out from the juice over there,” I jerked my head to the direction of the drip.
Emmett got up and walked next to me. “Edward, man,” he looked nervous. Emmett never looked nervous. He placed his hand on my arm. “I’m sorry, E. Shit. They didn’t lie to you. Bella is gone. The Chief put her on the red eye last night to Phoenix. I’m sorry.”
“Why are all you fuckers lying to me!” I screamed at Emmett at the top of my lungs. “She. Did. Not. Leave. ME!” I grabbed him by the shirt with both hands and started shaking him. “You are my fucking twin for Christ’s sake. You are a part of me. How could you lie to me like this! You of all people I expected better of!”
“Edward, calm the fuck down now, man! I told you the truth. She’s gone and she’s not coming back.”
“I can’t look at you right now, you lying sack of shit!” I saw the breakfast tray sitting on the table next to my bed and threw it across the room where it slammed into the wall. “Get the hell out and don’t come back until you can be fucking honest with me, bro!” I was seeing red from the rage burning throughout every fiber of my being.
Emmett was just standing in front of me with his eyes bugging out from his head. “Get the fuck out, liar. You are no brother of mine.” The finality of my voice brought Emmett to his senses and he opened the door to leave. He looked over his shoulder before he was out of the room.
“I’m sorry you are hurting, E, but don’t take this shit out on me. None of this is my fucking fault.” With that, he left and I was left seething on the inside. I jerked the phone off the table and dialed Bella’s number again. After 5 rings, I got to hear her voice, but it was the damn voicemail greeting again.
“Bella, baby, you need to call me or come up to the hospital and see me fucking now. Everyone keeps telling me that you are gone. I know you’re not! Call me. Love you, baby. I love you so much, baby.” BEEP. Fucking voicemail.
I dialed another number. “Forks Police Department. This is Chief Swan. how can I help you?”
“Chief, it’s Edward, Edward Cullen. I’ve been trying to get a hold of Bella and she hasn’t returned my calls. My family keeps giving me the run around.”
“Edward,” Charlie answered with anger. “What exactly has your family told you?”
“That she’s back in Arizona with her mom.”
“Then your family isn’t giving you the run around. She got to Arizona early this morning.”
“Can you give me a number that I can reach her at? Her cell isn’t working.”
“No, Edward, I won’t. You are not good enough for my daughter. You are nothing, nothing. Do you understand me? You’ve done nothing but hurt my family. That will never happen again.” The next thing I knew I was listening to a dial tone.
“No!” I roared as the phone met the same fate as my breakfast. If Bella was in Arizona, that’s where I was going. I pulled myself up out of bed ignoring the blistering pain in my leg. As I started ripping the tubes from my arms, dad came storming through the door.
“Edward, what the hell are you doing, son?” As he took in the state of my room and my IV’s, he shouted out the door, “Nurse Hale, I need help in here. Now!”
“Edward, you have to get back in bed. You are going to re-injure your knee!” He tried to force me into the bed and I fought him for all I was worth. “Edward, please calm down. I’m going to have to sedate you again.”
“No, dad, you can’t force me. I’m going to Arizona. I’ve got to be with Bella!”
“Son, you are not going to Arizona.”
“I’m 18 dad. You can’t stop me!”
“You need to stop and listen to me now!” Dad used both of his hands to force me to look him dead on in the face. “Bella doesn’t want you there. She told me to tell you that it’s over. She doesn’t want to see you again. Son, I hate to hurt you like this but she says doesn’t love you anymore.”
With those last words from my dad, I finally stopped struggling against him. It was like I suddenly had ice water thrown on me. I couldn’t have stopped the tears that began to pour out of my eyes, even if I’d wanted to, as I muttered, “She... Bella, doesn’t want me?”
“No, not anymore,” his voice sounded almost as weak as I felt.
“Why!?!?!?” I sobbed, as grabbed on tight to my father for support.
“She said you weren’t good enough for her. She shot you, Edward. That should tell you a lot about how she really feels about you. I’m so, so, very sorry she’s done this to you.” He stroked his hands through my hair and I gazed at him through the wall of tears clouding my vision.
“I am good enough for her. She’s everything to me, everything. I love her with everything I am. I don’t know who I am without her. I am good enough.”
“We need to get you back in bed so I can look at your leg and make sure you didn’t cause any additional damage. Let us help you up son.” I hadn’t even noticed fuck hot Rosalie and two orderlies had entered my room. I simply nodded at my dad who motioned for them to come over.
The orderlies helped me back into my bed. I grimaced when my dad began to check my leg. “Nurse Hale, I’m going to need to restitch part of this incision site. Can you please go get me all the supplies we will need? I will also need you to redo the IV lines and morphine pump line.”
“Yes, sir. I’ll be right back.” As she walked through the door, Alice and Jasper arrived. Were they holding hands? First, Rose and Em, now Jaz and Ally? These morphine hallucinations are bordering on being fucking absurd. Dad noticed the new arrivals at the same time I did.
“Alice, Jasper. We’ve got to work on Edward for a bit.”
“Oh my God, Edward are you OK? What happened?” I knew it wouldn’t take long before our Lil
Pixie was freaking out. Damn, we need to get her a man so she will stay the hell out of everyone else’s business. Before I could come up with an answer, dad chimed in.
“Alice, it’s not a concern. He just didn’t wait for someone to help him to the restroom. He’ll be fixed up in no time at all.” She eyed dad and me curiously, it’s almost like she’s got a sixth sense about things.
“Mary Alice Cullen, he is fine.” Jasper snickered from either hearing Alice’s whole name or dad’s exasperated tone with her.
“Ouch, darlin’!” I saw Jasper rubbing where Alice must have hit him. “Don’t hit so hard.”
“I won’t,” she looked at Jasper angelically, but for those of us who know and love Alice, we know to look at her eyes to see if her almost devilish glint is present. Oh, she is pissed. Jasper better watch his fucking back.
Rosalie made her way back with her arms filled with supplies to repair the damage my temper tantrum caused.
“Let’s get you fixed up son.” As dad readied preparations to fix my leg, he looked back towards the door. “I don’t think Edward is going to be up to visitors for a while. You can wait down the hall and check back later.”
“We definitely will, Carlisle. See you later, Edward.” Jasper placed his hand on Alice’s back to usher her out of my room. He stopped, looked over his shoulder at me and silently mouthed, “We will talk soon.” The silence of his words were more powerful than if he’d spoken them. Fucking awesome. I winced suddenly with the thought that I have thoroughly pissed off everyone who cares about me.
Dad misconstrued my mental anguish since he stopped what he was doing to ask me, “Do you need something for the pain son?” I shook my head no. I needed to feel the pain each time the needle and thread pierced my skin.
I don’t know how long I laid there while my leg was stitched back together. It could have been minutes or hours, before dad and Rosalie were done.
“Thank you for your help, Nurse Hale.”
“Certainly, Dr. Cullen. Do you need anything else before I go?”
“No, thanks again.” She nodded at dad and that fine ass of her’s swayed seductively as she strolled out the door.
Dad tossed his gloves in the hazardous waste container and sat down next to me.
“I know you are in a lot of pain.” He was waiting for an answer and I just didn’t know what he wanted me to say. “Okay son, you are so stubborn. We all love you. Let us know if you need anything at all.” He patted me on the arm and left.
As soon as I saw the door shut, I mumble to myself, “Not everyone that I love, loves me.”
I was almost nestled into a perfect position on my pillows and was about to take a hit of kick ass morphine, when my door opened again. Jasper. I knew immediately why he was here. Jaz has always been one cool, relaxed mother fucker. He can usually calm down absolutely anybody with his “mystical” gift of chillax. Right now, the only gift I want is the opiate that is eying me through its mechanical home.
“Hey man, how are you feeling?” He settled into the chair beside me, stretching his legs out in front of him. Fuuuccccckkkkk. He’s making himself right at home. I simply shrugged and closed my eyes willing my best friend to go away. “You’re not in the mood to talk huh? Seems you had plenty to say to Emmett when he was here earlier.”
My eyes popped open and instantly recoiled from his not too subtle accusation. I was getting ready to sit up when he bristled, “You don’t have to do that on my account. I’ve got a few things to say and I want you to listen and listen good. If you actually feel the urge to say something, you can talk when I’m finished. Got it?”
I merely shrugged my shoulders and braced myself.
“Imagine my surprise when Emmett calls me first thing this morning and he’s beyond upset. I thought something had happened to you in the night, that caused him to be inconsolable. That wasn’t it though, was it? You brought your brother to tears for the way that you treated him this morning. Do you have any idea how much you hurt him by everything that you said to him. Do you have a fucking clue?”
“Jaz, man…” I had finally found my voice only to have Mr. Chillax stop me.
“You shut the fuck up until I’m finished talking to you.” In all the years that I’d known Jasper, he’d never spoken to anyone that way. In my head, I knew that I deserved everything that he was getting ready to dish out to me. But with my already broken heart, I didn’t know if I could face much more from the people who allegedly “cared about me”.
“I’m going to be honest with you Edward, because I love you like you are my own flesh and blood. You fucked up! Bella fucked up! You and Bella together was beyond fucked up lately. All you were doing was making each other miserable and making those of us around you miserable as well. Do you have any idea what this has been like for those of us who were watching you self-destruct, when we could merely watch from the sidelines looking in? You said that you loved Bella and she said that she loved you, but I just don’t get it. People who love each other don’t do this shit to one another. It’s a constant battle of one upmanship of who can hurt the other to get even. We are all sick of it, bro, just sick. What were you thinking when you took that gun to Bella’s? You could have died! She could have died! As much as I hate to say this, her being gone is probably the best thing for both of you, so you can pull your heads out of your asses and straighten the fuck up already.” He finally paused long enough to take a breath.
“You have anything that you want to say, E?”
“Jaz, I know I fucked up and how bad I fucked up, but man, it’s like I can’t breathe without Bella here. Jesus-fucking-Christ, I never ever meant to hurt her. She’s it for me. Will always be it for me. I would get down on my knees. Kiss the ground that she walked on, if I could just hold her one more time and tell her, that I’m so so sorry for being such a selfish bastard. I just don’t know how I can face today or tomorrow or any part of my future without Bella. She’s all that I’ve ever imagined to have with me. She’s barely been gone and I miss her. I miss her so fucking much.” I sagged deeply into the bed and could feel moisture in my eyes and I honestly didn’t give a fuck. My life as I’d known it, was over. I’d fucked myself and Bella over and now. I gulped deeply and tried to swallow.
“E, I know it sucks. Can you blame her for leaving you though? For saying that she doesn’t love you anymore? This has been such a long time coming. I don’t know how everyone could see it, but you two. It was like you always had blinders on or something. We all know you are hurting, but you can’t treat people like shit when they are just trying to help you get better, not just physically, but emotionally as well. We are here for you, all of us, Ally, me, your parents, even Em still wants to help you through this. You can survive it.”
“Survive it. Really, Jaz? She’s my fucking sun. I can’t see clearly without her. This loneliness and heartache is like a fire inside me and I can’t even fathom a way to put it out.” I practically sobbed the last words out.
“E, I know we’ve all said some things that may have been hard on you, but we want you better. We will help you get better.” I wiped the tears off my face with the back of my arm.
“I’ve stayed here long enough. Your dad will kick my ass if he catches me in here with you, since you are supposed to be resting.” He got up and headed to the door. “Anytime, man, I mean it. Call me, text me, whatever.” He glanced at his watch. “Bye, bro, I’ve got to get Ally so we can get ready for our date to night. Talk to you tomorrow, if not before.” He headed out the door and before I realized what he had just told me.
Evidently, I am now hearing things as well as seeing weird shit from this pain medicine. No way Alice would ever go out with Jasper’s ass. I pushed the button of pleasure and almost immediately felt the world around me begin to disappear.
They didn’t understand. None of them would ever understand. Without Bella, I’m nothing. Nothing. Finally the nothingness embraced me with its darkness.